Rick's Line .com

One of my collaborators recently asked me if we could change this blog's focus to "things that actually bring something to the table." (I personally blame his new girlfriend for the change in attitude.) But after giving this some thought, I have decided that occasionally we will feature more encouraging aspects of life. This should help all of our many readers (as many as 9 at any one point in time) survive a terribly depressing winter. Or at least make it until New Years Eve, at which point we can universally agree to give up.

Today's ray of sunlight:



1.Rick's line . com A live video feed of the line at Richard's American Cafe. It saves you time and manages your caliber-of-clientele expectations. Maximize the time you spend in this mecca of bad decisions!

Hollywood Families: Entirely-Too-Functional

Having recently seen Easy A, I am uncomfortably aware of a new Hollywood trend:

1. I am not the target audience
2. The abuse of the dysfunctional family card

Although we all get a laugh out of weird families, Hollywood isn't capturing what is at the very core of "funny" families. The families in Easy A were depicted as naked, oversexed, concerned with their daughter's lives, or adept at one-liners. Families - in reality - are not good at any of those things, especially the naked, oversexed, and one-liner parts.

Real families, though they are not good at anything, are effective at wanting to be (at least) better than other families. For instance, Birthdays, Christmases, Fourth of Julys, and related holidays, are used to signal to other families how good they are at being a family.

Though most families euphemize this were terms like "bonding" and "growing closer," my own extended family is more upfront about it. We partake in an ongoing battle of "Who Are the Good Kennedys?" (The competition was made FaceBook Official a few years ago.) I recommend this type of framework and hope that, one day, Hollywood will too.

Non-Refridgerated Coffee Creamer

My place of work, like most places of work, does the half-assed thing where they provide free coffee. But the coffee is bad. But you can't complain about it because it is free. And most of the people in your place of work don't care anyway because they are the type of people who tolerate bad coffee. And when you mention that the coffee is bad, they respond with useless comments, such as "hmmm? you think so?" or "really?" as the thought never occurred to them. This actually can be used as a test to determine possible starfish.

The only way to make this free coffee semi-ok is with cream and sugar. But, like most work places, they do not provide good cream. They provide the "mini-moos." Mini moos seem promising. But they are not, and often result in chunky residue floating around at the top of your coffee. Do not trust the moos. And don't trust the people who use them.

Hufflepuffs: The Forgotten House

Although J.K. would never explicitly state this, it has become apparent that Hufflepuffs are not really on par with the other houses at Hogwarts. In so many words, she paints them as a house for overweight, out of shape, slow moving, bad-in-bed, boring-but-still-nice people. Though the sorting hat tries to spin it with words like “loyal,” the reality is that even Dumbledoor and the sorting hat have trouble remembering this house. As described in Book 5:

Slytherin took only pure-blood wizards
And only those of sharpest mind were
Were taught by Ravenclaw
While the brages and the boldest
Went to daring Gryffindor.
Good Hufflepuff, she took the rest.

On the bright side, they aren’t evil, arrogant, or obnoxious like Harry, Hermione, and Draco, but they certainly aren’t the ones you want to be in a relationship with on Facebook. Occasionally you can get one that seems like they have a personality because they won the gene pool lottery, like Cedric, but in reality, they still don’t bring much to the table and will probably keel over when the pressure is on (see Book 4).

As for why J.K. Rowling seems to think that these types need to be singled out in one house, one can only conclude that the she herself seems to have an insecurity problem about being a Starfish. She is always going on about how she sees herself as Hermione, but in reality, she deep down is probably a (I would insert a name of a well known Hufflepuff here...but the truth I can’t even remember anyone in particular from that house.)

Even it's name sends red flags, as broken down by Urban Dictionary:

1.) “Huffle”: to use the armpit for sexual gratification

2.) “Puff” : a man who is gay or is acting really queerly.

3.) Hufflepuff: Although a well known house of Hogwarts, an individual Hufflepuff is a mysterious creature. Nobody is quite sure what it is, exactly, but they are often said be great finders.

It’s mascot, the badger, which is also the verb for “Verb. To bother incessantly,” is only about the size of a dog, and in no way compares to the Eagle, Lion, and Serpent of the more impressive houses. In conclusion, the moral of the story is don't go into battle with a Hufflepuff, as one can assume that the patronus charms of Hufflepuffs are flobbery starfish that have no hope of even distracting a dementor.

An Open letter to the Rick’s American Café DJ

We think of disc jockeys as trendy audiophiles, who furiously labor over turntables to produce fresh new sounds to enable hip gyration. However, whenever I look at you I can’t help but notice you appear just as I do now: sitting with headphones on, staring at a laptop. I challenge you sir, to prove to me, nay, the American public that you are anything more than a glorified playlist.

Your only task is to create a 4-hour playlist that's only requirement is that the last song is Kenny Roger’s The Gambler. Though, in your defense, the playing of this song is critical to encourage attendees of this basement-of-bad-decisions to "know when to hold 'em," and when to - perhaps - just call it a night. However, though your website claims that you are “always up to beat with the best new tracks,” I don’t think I have ever heard a song at Ricks and thought to myself that “I must get this song onto my iPod immediately.”

Aside from b-day shout-outs, most of which fall on to deaf ears, as the intended recipient either left of is making out with some one in a dark corner, I would have to rank the complexity of your job somewhere between portraying a comatose patient in a play, and operating a rarely frequented tollbooth. Out of respect for the girls and boys that frequent this bar in hopes of "just wanting to dance," we will hence forth refer to you as "DJ Starfish."

Sincerely,

The Starfish Chronicles

The Starfish Manifesto

This blog is named for the Starfish. Both in literal and figurative practice, emotionally, mentally, physically, and sexually. Even if you are not personally familiar with Starfish, nor support, the use of Starfish as a verb (i.e. “to Starfish”), or the occasional adjective (i.e. "that girl looks like a Starfish"), we are here today to expose them as a completely uneventful and irrelevant creature.

Starfish Might Have Body Image Issues

It is not entirely the Starfish’s fault. One might say Starfish suffer from low self-esteem. They lack a brain, a backbone, and with no concept of “front” or “backsides," they are just as aesthetically appealing (or unappealing) each way. Though they can choose how many arms they want, most Starfish just call it a day at five. Needless to say, their slow, flubbery movements, yield exceptionally un-hot dating rituals.

Human Starfish

Our concern today is the spreading epidemic of human Starfish. Human beings demonstrate five points in Yoga, Leonardo-DiCapriaro-Titanic-imitation-moments, or - the most serious of all 5-pointed shapes - in bed. With descriptions such as “minimal distinction between front and backside,” “flubbery,” “mushy,” and “preoccupation with food,” a Starfish in bed typically just closes their eyes and pretends it is not actually happening. UrbanDictionary.com thinks that Starfish are only common in women:

“Female sexual partner who remains 'unmoved' during lovemaking, physically non-responsive....A girl that has no talent or technique for sex. That is, she just lays there spread out dead in the water, like a starfish.”

However, current studies have proven that men are just as likely to fall victim. American’s move from hardworking-do-good-er-bed-mates, to the lie-there-and-take-it-mentality, is alarming, and reflected in our high unemployment and obesity rates. To inspire human beings across the nation to start imitating more impressive creatures, we are enacting a “Starfish Manifesto.”

The Starfish Manifesto is Born

1. We as American’s are facing nothing less than an epidemic (quite possibly a pandemic, once ethnic’s mating rituals are explored). This blog is no different than, and probably created under as much duress as the Declaration of Independence.

2. We are here to fight for the right of all mankind to live free from the tyranny of boring sexual experiences.

3. We will fight back the only way we know how; we will launch our revolutionary war not on battlefields, but on blog posts, fighting with witty words not bullets or swords.

4. We will not rest until the world is free from individuals and societal phenomenons that bring nothing to the table, or bedroom.